Lonely? Yes.

I just realized last night, as I was talking my head off to my poor Best Friend who lives nearby, as we went on a walk which I couldn't really afford, time-wise, but couldn't afford not to go on, friendship-wise, that I'm kind of lonely after all.

I mean, I don't get to talk a lot. Physically, I mean, using my voice.

I work from my home office (which is great, don't get me wrong) and conduct all my business by email, don't see my boyfriend much in the morning or even at night (he goes to bed early), and I can't talk to him about his stressful work (he asked me not to) or my own stuff (he's too stressed about his own problems to _really_ pay attention to what's going on with me - other than a "are you ok?" last night to which I could see he didn't really want to hear the answer), and I'm not much for pointless small talk.

And on the weekends, frankly, the girls are always there since their mom hasn't been taking them for the last year (the oldest always clinging to her dad and manipulating him, which irritates me to no end) so I retreat in my office and close the door to work (mostly).

Strange. I always thought I'd do well (better) as a lone wolf. Guess not. As more and more friends move away (either physically or isolating themselves due to family, work, etc.), I am increasingly feeling... esseulée.

Now my sister is talking about moving to Québec City with her completely awful boyfriend (out of work, cruises the Internet dating sites to chat up gay men (!), is violent with her during fights...). My parents moved to a different time zone. My best friend is moving to a rural area in less than a year.

I miss physically talking to someone. Emails just don't cut it.

Some real life friends found me on Facebook, but seemed to have lost interest once they realized that I wasn't in the "mom club", or once I "confirmed them" as friends ("friends collectors", I guess).

My "mom friends" can't/won't find a sitter to go out.

My single or childless friends are working/partying hard (or in one case, not working enough and always too broke for a cup of coffee) and don't have much time for just going out with one friend (movie, restaurant, brunch, walk, outing of some sort).

If it weren't for that monthly women's group that I started... 3-4 years ago, I'd never see female friends other than my best friend.

I live in a house full of people but I feel lonely. My Facebook page is full of "friends" who found me, but I feel lonely.

I _am_ lonely.

I'm guilty too. I don't have much free time. I work too much. Out of necessity. But I am taking steps. I'll be slowing down my freelance in the next month or so (for real). But that doesn't solve the issue of me feeling like I am standing still on a highway with people zooming by on the road of their busy life. Look who's talking, I know. I'm aware of the irony. I plan on figuring out a better balance in my life in the next month. That's how I deal with things: identify a problem/need, investigate possible solutions, implement the best option. Review and adapt as needed. ;)

But anyway, I digress. I mostly wanted to write how surprised I am at realizing how little I actually talk these days. I hadn't noticed how little I get to use my voice nowadays.