So as I already mentioned, I didn't give my blog address to my boyfriend.
But this time, I also didn't give it to "real life" friends. Last time, 3 of them had my URL, and one turned creepy. Hence the new, anonymous blog.
Now normally I'd have given my best friend the address, but...
I think I'll need this private space for now (for the first time in... well, since we became close friends). I tell her everything, usually. The good, the bad, the ugly.
You see, when I was looking at buying a house in this area, we were both talking about living close to each other, buying a house a couple of blocks from each other so that we could walk to each other's house, etc.
But now, because her incredibly controlling (and unemployed for the last 15 years) tantrum-throwing boyfriend has decreed that he "can't live in the city anymore" (newsflash: you never go out of your apartment anyway!!! I'm not kidding, he never goes to a movie, shopping, to see friends, nothing! He's a total recluse, so what does it matter if he stays indoors in a city house or a boondocks house?), she is going to move quite far from here. Because of this she'll have to commute a good 2 1/2 hours every day (if she is lucky and catches the train - which a friend who used to live there tells me is "iffy at best") to get to work. She loves the city, by the way, and does not want to move there. But she said "if he's not happy, I'm not happy", so she's going along with it. Even though she is paying for the house all by herself, and is the only one working in that couple (both actual work and house chores, cooking, etc.).
Both of us being busy and working in the same field, we don't have much free time (and to top it all, she has to support her useless bf all by herself - and he smokes over 400$ of cigarettes every month, for starters). So we both work hard.
Do you really think we'll get to see each other much when she moves that far away?
And did I mention neither of us has a car? She doesn't even have a driver's licence anymore.
So I'm very sad because of this. I bought a house in the city to stay close to the ones I love (my previous "dream house" dream was a house in the woods, away from it all... until I realized that being near my loved ones was more important to me).
The one friend who lives nearby is the guy turned creep (so, no seeing him anymore).
My parents moved 14 hours away + a 2 hour ferry ride (only 2 departures a day too).
My best friend who was supposed to move basically next door is caving in to her control freak of a boyfriend and moving so far away we'll never have time to see each other.
My other friend who'd said she wanted a house in this area is also thinking of moving far away.
I'm sort of looking around and going "Hello? Anybody out there?" and only hearing echo back.
As my friends and I are all in our mid-thirties and up, we are all in the busiest time of our lives (kids, houses, jobs, bills, etc.). So "free time" is precious. And long distances just eat that free time away and make it less appealing to "just drop by" to see each other.
I'm afraid I'll lose my best friend, due to distance. I've never had a real "best friend" before, and losing her would really break my heart.
Especially since I feel a bit guilty about her move. She told me she was moving far away a few months back, and felt defensive about her reason I guess when she saw the surprise on my face (I have a lousy poker face), because she added "well, it's not like we see each other much now anyway". Which is true. A few times a month max. I work a lot. So does she. But I feel like it's my fault. If I slowed down, worked less, saw her more often, would she have stuck to her initial plans and stayed closer? (shhhh, I know, this is just insecure me talking, she makes her own decisions - or rather her boyfriend makes them for her... *sigh*).
So although I feel pretty bad not sharing this blog with her, I think I'll keep my new blog private, for now anyway. I'm having a hard time seeing her get controlled by her boyfriend so much, and I guess I'll need to talk about that too. And I don't want to hurt her feelings. But still, it feels like cheating on her, somehow. :-/
14 years ago
3 comments:
Blogging is complicated. On one hand, one wants to share something important to his/her friends, but on the other hand, one of the fundamental points of having a blog is to share your lives with others without the baggage of pre-judgment.
I realized that after a couple years of blogging. I realized that the things I wanted to blog about were the very things I COULDN'T talk to my friends/significant other about.
I love the idea of working out one's ideas in a public (and hopefully anonymous) forum. It becomes a way of sharing one's 'id' and finding that there are others who feel the same way and don't want to punish you for having those thoughts.
Anyhow... I completely understand the friend dilemma. My best friend just move to the same town as myself and it is SO great to have him here. There's something that's happened to myself and many of my friends, when we reached our mid-30's. Suddenly, we all realized that our careers weren't going to satisfy us in the way we'd imagined. We looked around and noticed that what we really wanted was community with one another, but all of us had moved to distant corners of the globe.
I'm glad that I've gotten the rare opportunity to re-connect with a friend I haven't had in the same town since 1994.
I am sorry that you are in danger of losing your friend to a move. I've had that happen more than once and it's never easy. Hopefully she is listening to herself and making decisions she won't regret later.
Don't think of it as cheating. We all need somewhere to vent our frustrations. And it is occasionally about the people closest too us. You don't want to hurt them, but you have to be able to release the pent up stress or it will cripple you. And it can also be helpful to get different perspectives on your problems.
I completely understand the insecurities. They can be a bitch. And who better than the best friends to know which buttons are the right ones to push. My suggestion with the friend with the controlling boyfriend is just be there for her as you can, whether it be e-mails or other communication. If she ever gets loose of the controlling bf, she will need her friends. I imagine the situation is freaking her out and she is lashing out at the ones she should be holding on to. Unfortunately, that is sometimes how it works. :( I also understand about the need for community. That is one of the things that freaked out the friend I just lost. She had to move so far that she has no one near her for support, emotional or otherwise. All you can do is what you can. She works the same job, so should understand time constraints you both have. And the lack of communication is a two way street. It is the responsibility of both parties.
Just don't let it keep you down. Big hugs and thanks for the encouraging words on my blog. :)
Wise words from wise people. :)
Brian, you nailed it right on the head: what I want, what fulfils me, is community (with loved ones, not the general public... lol - though even so, my Aquarian tendancies push me to organize a block party every year... heh). But everyone is scattering away.
I'm so glad to read that your good friend now lives in the same town as you!
And Deangirl: sensitive, thoughtful comments as always. :) Thank you!
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